If you've followed me the last few years or if this is just the beginning of our meeting you know or will come to know that I use the word journey a lot. Journey, process, path...to me they are all interchangeable. It's how I describe my story & also what I always offer the women that I work with because I believe that is what life truly is...a beautiful, sometimes ugly, but mostly brilliant journey.
Here's what I have always known about myself & my life. It's my story, I get to write it & tell it how I choose. What's funny though is that while I have always innately known this, I haven't always lived this way & let's be honest, sometimes I struggle with it now, but we all do. I just choose to be vulnerable & share it. It's my way of lighting the path for others to do the same, to be seen, heard & held in a nonjudgemental space of understanding & a "hey I totally get it, that shit happens to me too" kind of way!
Which is why this blog isn't about a starting point & finish line, but rather the journey that lies within it.
So, here's my story...I grew up in small town Indiana, the youngest of 4, with 2 loving & amazing parents, a big, supportive, & fun extended family, friends that became family & experiences that brought a lot of love, joy & laughter to my life.
Here's also what I experienced from a very young age, a feeling within that I couldn't fully understand, an overly sensitive bundle of emotions & when I say sensitive, I mean I FEEL everrrrryyyyything, which is also why it was so confusing for me!!! I didn't understand why I was "like" that. So, I had thoughts that I had to look, feel, act & be a certain way in order to fit in, be accepted, or even "successful." All of which left me with an overwhelming amount of anxiety & my urge to fix it, IT being ME!
It's from this place that I went to work trying to figure it out. I went into hiding, I put on masks, I said yes to things when inside I was screaming no. I chased people, mainly boys, moved to new cities to find happiness, took jobs because it would lead to approval, I buffered & indulged in drugs & alcohol. I told my intuition to shhhhh & did what I thought everyone else wanted me to do because of course they had their lives together! LOL, well at least that is what I told myself.
I know, maybe not all of that sounds too far off from some of your stories. Yes, some of it was just part of growing up & finding my way in the world. Which by the way I will also say some of those years were some of the best years I have experienced & I wouldn't change them. I don't regret anything that happened, I learned a lot about myself & she (my younger self) is still a huge part of who I am, masks included. Plus, those years led me to where I am today & now I don't wear the masks I just allow myself to be me, mess & all! So, I'm grateful.
The piece that was missing during those years though & that I choose to experience now is my sensitive, empathic nature. I now use it to help guide me instead of resisting it. I listen to my intuition & connect with my inner wisdom to find the clarity that I so desperately searched for in the past. I use prayer & meditation to find my breath, my pause, and my peace.
So, the journey home isn't the physical space that I grew up in or that I currently reside. It's coming home to myself, my authentic truth, my purest form of love, compassion, honesty, beauty, & creation. Home is God, Spirit, Universal truth, Source, Light & Energy. It isn't always about what we are becoming, but what we are actually UN-becoming! It's a process of remembering that at the core of our essence we are pure, worthy & loved. And while I am at a beautiful place in my journey where I feel blessed & honored to experience life the way I do. I still have my moments. I still wonder if I am "failing" at all the things, if I am a disappointment, & if I am making all of the wrong decisions. The difference is I now allow myself grace, compassion & love through the process.
Which is what I hope that each one of you reading this remembers in this moment, that grace, compassion, & love are available to you & you're so worthy of receiving it! If you need to be reminded & supported in this, then contact me! I'd love to connect!
"There is in us an instinct for newness, for renewal, for a liberation of creative power. We seek to awaken in ourselves a force which really changes our lives from within. And yet the same instinct tells us that this change is a recovery of that which is deepest, most original, most personal in ourselves. To be born again is not to become somebody else, but to become ourselves" ~Thomas Merton, Love and Living~